99 problems

I do my best to keep things kinda cheery on my blog (even though I’m not always cheery), because I assume that people really only want to hear about good things. I mean, who likes to hear about bad things, right? Not to mention, it’s never fun to share the bad either.

See me, I love good news. Heck, I’ll even settle for semi-good news.

And that’s what I got  the other day.

But being all rainbows and sunshine about it just doesn’t come that naturally to me. I mean, I’m super thankful, but…well…I’ll just have to tell you the whole thing.

Back in September, I had a funny looking mole removed. It was super tiny and didn’t at all match the criteria for melanoma, but it had a weird halo around it, so the doctor recommended that it be removed.

The results of that biopsy were negative, besides a bit of inflammation and a referral to see a dermatologist for an all-over screening.

I was finally able to get in to that dermatologist last week, but the day that I happened to go there, was a super emotional day for me (it happens…), and so I may or may not have cried at my appointment. At the dermatologist. And for something completely unrelated to a mole of any variety.

See, I’ve had all sorts of weird health issues lately. They started back in September and have been pretty constant since. I’ve been in and out of Emergency rooms with abnormal EKGs, but normal X-rays. X-rays of multiple organs, too. I’ve had more blood work done than I care to admit and spiking/dropping blood pressure at every appointment. My body temp is low, I’ve dropped a little more than 10 pounds, I have occasional dizzy spells and I just don’t feel quite right. And tomorrow I get to go in to have some lumps looked at. Awesome, right?

So yea, things have been…off. But it seems that everything checks out on paper so far, so we’re chalking it up to stress I suppose. But c’mon. Who isn’t stressed…?

Anyway, I’m at the dermatologist and…naked (which only ups the uncomfortable factor), when she starts looking me over. And when she gets to my arms, she spots these strange marks. Marks that have recently started showing up at random, but in the same spot on each arm. Or shoulder, really. And they look like thin lines of busted blood vessels.

So she hesitantly asks me “Um, do you wear…some sort of…weird…harness…?”

And I started to cry.

Not because I actually do wear some sort of weird harness and she called me out on it, but because I don’t and I have absolutely NO IDEA what these marks are from. Just like I have no idea why the rest of what’s going on with me is going on with me. And I know that things could be so much worse, but I’m still pretty freaked out about the happenings going on in my bod right now.

Besides all that, I felt like she thought that I was some sort of freak. I mean, a harness…? A harness!?

Then again, I’m crying at the dermatologist, so I probably am a freak.

I could tell that my tears made her uncomfortable as she replied with a quiet “Oh, it’s ok…I wouldn’t worry about it…” and awkwardly went about her business, removing three of my moles.

Whatever will be.

Anyway, Tuesday she called to tell me that the biopsy results were negative (YAY!), and I felt like a champ for not crying this time. But she also mentioned that one of the moles was severely mutated and that I will need to come in every few months for screenings. Something about moderate risk and STAY OUT OF THE SUN and what have you.

Semi-good news at it’s finest.

So yea, I really am thankful. Because it is good news.

But I’d also like to figure out the rest of this mess…

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16 thoughts on “99 problems

  1. Praying for you, Shan. I would cry too, because knowing something is wrong and not being able to figure it out is the WORST.

    But I’m also rejoicing at your good news. :)

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  2. I love you. Is that too forward? I do though, forward or not. Because this was much more you and much less fluffy puppy dogs pooping out rainbows and glitter. And am so super happy for you.

    I like hearing good news. I can’t think of a day where if given the option, I’d opt for bad news over the good. BUT. Bad news still exists. Bad days, weeks, months, years.. they exist. And it’s a part of being human. People that cover everything up with the fluff are hiding something. No one’s life is truly that amazing that nothing ever goes wrong. So while yes, I think people would prefer good news, the bad shows a lot about you. Your strength, character, good will, and what an all around good person you are. Which is exactly what this post did for you.

    It could be worse. And people do have it worse. But that’s no reason for you to not wallow a bit. I know far too many people that ignore their emotions in an attempt to look strong-willed. I also know far too many people that hide behind the idea of someone always having it worse. It is true, but that doesn’t take away your right to be upset. There’s a fine line of battling the bad without letting it overcome you, but for as long as I’ve known you, you’ve always done it with a lot of grace.

    And to step down off my soapbox for a moment, I’ll leave you with a totally offensive awkward comment that I probably shouldn’t put in here, but I will anyway. When you mentioned the harness, I thought about the thousands of ways you could respond to that that would have probably made her much more uncomfortable than your tears.

    P.S Sorry for the long comment. I am bright eyed and bushy tailed (whatever that means when you don’t have a tail) this morning!

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    • Not at all too forward. I love you right back.

      And you are so right. In fact, when I read your comment, I got all teary-eyed. I appreciate your friendship so freakin’ much, you have no idea. And I am guilty of those things and more. Trying to make things seem better than they are, or telling myself that people have it so much worse…but this is what’s going on with me. Big or small, this is it. And I really ought to talk about it more because I have a super great support system in my friends. You guys are the best.

      And yea, when I got into my car I thought about all of the things I *could* have said to her. Can you imagine how awkward things could have been…!? Gah, I don’t think I’ll ever get over just how weird of a question that was.

      Anyway, I LOVE your bright-eyed, bushy-tailed self.

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  3. I’m so glad it came out negative!
    I know how it feels to go to doctor after doctor and have them not able to figure out what’s wrong with you. If you need to chat with someone, I’m here!
    I will be praying for you my dear.

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  5. oh, Honey. I am so sorry for the rough couple of months you’ve had, and I am super sorry that I had no idea. Because I would have tried to reassure you or been a shoulder to crype on or something! Don’t keep the bad bottled up – your true friends (as well as droves of readers) will be here through thick and thin. you let it all out, mrs. b.

    i am so glad you got good(ish) news. and as for the other health issues, i’m sure they will get straightened out before you know it – esp. now that you’ve let us all know what’s up – we’ll be able to pray specifically. i think that makes a big diff myself.

    and as for your dermatologist? that’s some piss-poor bedside manner, yo. and i’m pretty peeved about that right now.

    me thinks you need some chocolate.

    *crazy tight hugs*

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    • It’s so not your fault that you had no idea! It’s mine. I try to keep things all bottled up because I figure that the world has enough problems, they don’t need to hear about mine. But I should have known that you would still have my back. You’re the best.

      And thank you SO MUCH for keeping me in your prayers. That seriously means a lot to me.

      And, right…!? She was super awesome at her job, but she could probably stand to learn a thing or two otherwise. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like a bigger weirdo.

      And I need to email you! Asap and stat. Got your ADORABLE/HILARIOUS Christmas card in the mail today along with that bar of chocolate and I think you are just the bestest friend a girl could ask for. LOVE YOU! *crazy tight hugs right back*

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  6. WHOAH. How did I miss this post?!

    Super scary, blogger friend, and thanks for your honesty. As incredibly frustrating as it is to have inexplicable medical things happening, THANK GOD that they haven’t found anything serious! I hope the weird body stuff ends soon. I went through some strange stuff a few months ago and it ate up my life and I completely empathize with the random bursts of crying … been there and SO done that … hang in there!

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    • Thank YOU for your encouragement! It’s weird how our bodies go through this stuff every once in a while, isn’t it…? But yes, thank God that it’s nothing major and I have faith that it will all get worked out here soon!

      Thanks again, Mama!

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