movie review – europa report

No spoiler alert needed because I only made it 20 minutes into this one.

Can I even still call it a movie review?

Well, whatever.

The title alone suggests that I would love this movie more than any movie ever, but that was not the case.

It’s about a manned spacecraft venturing out to one of Jupiter’s four largest moons in search of life – which, nerd alert, other than that whole “manned” part, may not actually be too far off from a future reality, as they suspect microorganisms are present under the water ice found on it’s surface. But, of course, things don’t go as planned.

Any preview alone probably hints at that, but if, like me, you hadn’t seen a preview, you don’t have to watch much of the actual movie before you figure that out as it’s a found-footage film.

I haaaate found-footage films.

In fact, had I seen a preview before I decided to watch it on Netflix the other night while waiting for the lunar eclipse, I probably wouldn’t have even bothered. Is that weird? It’s like “No, I’m fine with lightsabers and cyborgs, but you did not just FIND that footage, this is a movie – you directed that footage – FOR THIS MOVIE.”

It’s like they try to make it feel super real when you just know it’s not, you know?

Now, I can only speak for the first 20 minutes, but I also think that the crew seems like an odd bunch of people/actors, but maybe that’s more true-to-life than say, I dunno, Gerard Butler manning a spacecraft needing to travel at least 390 million miles. Still. At least then I’d probably have actually pressed on through the entire 90 minutes, because well, Gerard Butler.

There were a couple of cool things, though. One, the “view” from the windows of the spacecraft as they’re passing moons and planets, because hello. And two, Neil DeGrasse Tyson made a tiny appearance in some news footage and I think you all know how I feel about him. There may have been more stuff later on, but like I said, 20 minutes.

In conclusion, I’m giving that first 20 minutes 1 star.

5 for being about a trip to Europa and for having a split-second cameo by my favorite astrophysicist, -3 for that found-footage junk and -1 for being pretty boring and kinda jumpy.

(But please keep making movies about outer space, because <3.)

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