movie review – europa report

No spoiler alert needed because I only made it 20 minutes into this one.

Can I even still call it a movie review?

Well, whatever.

The title alone suggests that I would love this movie more than any movie ever, but that was not the case.

It’s about a manned spacecraft venturing out to one of Jupiter’s four largest moons in search of life – which, nerd alert, other than that whole “manned” part, may not actually be too far off from a future reality, as they suspect microorganisms are present under the water ice found on it’s surface. But, of course, things don’t go as planned.

Any preview alone probably hints at that, but if, like me, you hadn’t seen a preview, you don’t have to watch much of the actual movie before you figure that out as it’s a found-footage film.

I haaaate found-footage films.

In fact, had I seen a preview before I decided to watch it on Netflix the other night while waiting for the lunar eclipse, I probably wouldn’t have even bothered. Is that weird? It’s like “No, I’m fine with lightsabers and cyborgs, but you did not just FIND that footage, this is a movie – you directed that footage – FOR THIS MOVIE.”

It’s like they try to make it feel super real when you just know it’s not, you know?

Now, I can only speak for the first 20 minutes, but I also think that the crew seems like an odd bunch of people/actors, but maybe that’s more true-to-life than say, I dunno, Gerard Butler manning a spacecraft needing to travel at least 390 million miles. Still. At least then I’d probably have actually pressed on through the entire 90 minutes, because well, Gerard Butler.

There were a couple of cool things, though. One, the “view” from the windows of the spacecraft as they’re passing moons and planets, because hello. And two, Neil DeGrasse Tyson made a tiny appearance in some news footage and I think you all know how I feel about him. There may have been more stuff later on, but like I said, 20 minutes.

In conclusion, I’m giving that first 20 minutes 1 star.

5 for being about a trip to Europa and for having a split-second cameo by my favorite astrophysicist, -3 for that found-footage junk and -1 for being pretty boring and kinda jumpy.

(But please keep making movies about outer space, because <3.)


movie review – sharknado

I watch a lot of Netflix and I’m generally pretty critical, so I’m basically a movie critic.

Sharknado was horribly stupid/rife with scientific inaccuracies/also, awesome. It starred that one guy from 90210 and another guy that I kept thinking was Nick Nolte and a bunch of other people running around getting attacked by sharks who were just swirling around outside of the ocean. I mostly felt bad for the super fake looking sharks, yelling “awww!” every time one of the terrible actors managed to kill one of them. And I’m sorry, but the waitress/bartender/whatever girl and her scar that she would NEVER talk to anyone about? WHAT IS THAT. Spoiler alert: she was bit by a shark. Girlfriend is still alive, still has her leg, her leg has a really rad scar on it and she’s all “uh…it’s nothing…I don’t want to talk about…” OMG just fricken tell people that you got bit by a shark because it’s incredibly aggravating and dumb that you won’t. It literally makes zero sense to be so weird about it. Orrrr wear pants! Then no one will see it or ask about it, duh.

I give any movie about sharks 5 stars.
I give any movie with a full cast of bad actors in it 0 stars.
I give any movie with a super dumb, nonsensical, irritating side-story that I get hung-up on -4 stars.

Sharknado, therefore, gets one measly star and that’s only because it was about sharks. If it had been something like squidnado or clownfishnado it would get -4 stars. UP YOUR GAME, HOLLYWOOD.

(But please keep making movies about sharks, because <3.)